when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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