watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
