i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
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I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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