I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
