I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
