he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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