How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
