i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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