he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
