and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
