Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
