if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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