Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
