But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
