was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
