Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
