Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
