Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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