saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
