I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
