from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
