i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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