I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
