I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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