my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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