If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
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You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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