I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
