Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
