I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
