smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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