Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
