my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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