my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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