I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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