The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
