I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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