I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
