Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
