i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
