my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There's always time for handjobs
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
