Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
