I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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