dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
