So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
