I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
