glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
