you traded sex for a burrito?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
