Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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