Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
