i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
