all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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