I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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