grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Found the puke drawer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
