Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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