I think I am morally bankrupt
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
