Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
