i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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