I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
