I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
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It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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