The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My bed smells like the plague
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
